Ali’s Meanderings

Yes, it is true and I will be the first to admit it.  I still learn something new everyday.

Yesterday, a friend reminded me that my friends lean on me, therefore I need to remember that I have friends that I can lean on.  That is what a “friend”-ship is all about.  She also said something along the lines of this:  You need to give them the priviledge of being there for you. 

I never thought about it in quite that way and I’m not saying that I don’t have friends that I can lean on but I think that most of us may have been there a time or two when everything just seems so….big and out there.  (I don’t want to use the word overwhelming because that isn’t how I feel, but it is something that feels like it would be hugely overwhelming to a friend - from my stand point).

Anyway, I thank you for your insight friend and at this time I will leave you anonymous because I don’t know that I said it quite as eloquently as you did to me, but I did want to acknowledge what you said and let you know that it did stick with me! 

Thanks so much for being there!!!  I love you! 

Dear David,

  The time has come for another change in our marriage.  This isn’t the way that I wanted it to be, I had no intentions of having to do what comes next.  Yet for this to work, this is the way that it must be done at this time.

 There has been tears of joy, laughter and a lot of love.  Road trips, meeting your grandfather (what a WONDERFUL man), going to bed at 2am only to get back up at 4am for a meteor shower, the possum in Mike and Kathleen’s back yard, the best so far for me is meeting Regan.  And so many other things that have been fun and exciting.

 There has also been the hard times and I mean really hard.  Your grandfather passing, your parents divorcing and my parents divorcing. 

 Unfortunately, the hardest is yet to come. 

I know that I didn’t cause this, I have definitely learned that I can’t control it, and I cannot cure it.  This is going to be your personal battle from now on, and most of the reason for that is because you have continued to make it personal and think that this is something that you have to get through on your own.  You asked for my help but you don’t want it.  If you wanted it, you would include me in it.  Then and only then could I support you.  So I’m standing here, STILL, but no, I can’t help you now.  Only until you are ready to really understand the meaning of that word can I support you.

 As you will see, I left you a gift on the kitchen counter this morning.  I just want to say that I don’t want any explanations, and I don’t want “I’m sorry” (I will lose it!), just know that it was a choice on your part and that my actions this morning was a decision on my part.  Nothing else that I have done has every brought out the truth readily, so to me this lets you know that I DO KNOW and there is no backing out of it.

 I love you but I don’t love the situation as you well “know”.  This will be your battle until you are ready to give up the reigns and let someone, ANYone in.  Once you are really done with this, then, maybe we can love ourselves and one another again the way we did.

Whoo Hoo, I just saw the commercial again, (you know, the chocolate covered jalapeno’s).  It is a Master Card Commercial.

 Thank you Fox.

So for some reason today I was drawn to my digital frame with a TON of pictures of Regan.  Of course it begins with the first picture minutes after she was born. 

Then the one of her looking over her crib rail on her 1st birthday. (Which I can’t find the photo of right now).

There was the cute one of her around all the Pumpkins at a local Farm Market. 

There is the picture that was taken in Chicago that I never realized was taken of her and I in bed.

So she was just on my mind today.

There are days when I pick her up from the sitter’s and she runs to me calling “Mommmmy!!”  There are the days that she tells me that she doesn’t want to go home either.  Today was one day that I was going to be able to say (quite honestly), “I missed you”. 

Unfortunately, she had more important news for me.  As soon as I opened up the back door, I knew that something wasn’t quite right.  At first sight she had the “Mommmmmy!!” look, then she walked over to me and said “Look”, and she showed me her thumb.  She got a new boo-boo  :(  .   I asked her if she needed it kissed, she shook her head no.  This is the only boo-boo that I see at the time.  I pick her up because she wants me to, and I carry her out to the car and realize as I’m putting her in her carseat and she has yet another boo-boo that is a scrape along her inner thigh, which was right next to me when I carried her.  She never made a noise about it.  Once I got her in the seat and realized it was there I was very careful to not bump it. we get home and she wants to hang out on the couch, she wants to be read to but she also wants to watch the Backyardigans. (All the choices!!) So we cuddled for a little while.

The worse part is coming.  Of course, ‘Cille (Regan’s babysitter) asked Regan if she wanted a bandaid.  Regan said no.  She has never been a huge bandaid fan for some reason (I must have already ruined bandaids for her somewhere along the way).  I know that this scratch/scrape has to be cleaned out.  My choice is always Peroxide.  I know, I suck, what can I say?  I blow on it and try to help some but she ended up crying for literally 5-10 minutes straight.  Which started because she knows she doesn’t want the black stuff (the Peroxide bottle is a dark brown which looks black in waning light). 

I was considerate enough to get her to lay down, watch some Hannah Montana and chill.  Plus I dosed her with some Motrin so that the pain isn’t too bad in the morning.  But I have a feeling that I will be carrying her again tomorrow morning. 

I miss carrying My Little Girl around sometimes but she is getting bigger, that is inevitable.

Surprise Surprise, my MRI came back fine.  No problems.  As I stated before it was basically just to check it off the list as no other problem.  I finally got the work order to do the blood work this morning.  They were supposed to give it to me at my visit when we set up the MRI but it got missed or something. 

Of course, I get out of the results appt by 8:30 and I think, I can go do the blood now and just get it out of the way - Geez, what a freaking joke.

I must have had a mental issue they didn’t find, because I didn’t think about it being Monday and everyone and their brother was going to be doing this kind of thing.  Plus of course the hospital computers were a bit tempermental this morning as well.  I went to one lab and all the seats were taken so I then went into the main hospital and still sat for practically another hour for 5 minutes of draining blood. 

But it is over and taken care of and the doc will just call me with results from the blood work instead of me having to go back in for another appt.

I know that most of us probably enjoy a good commercial nowadays.  There so many that are just lame.  David and I saw a commercial the other night (and of course for the life of me, I can’t remember what company it was for - shame on me!)  But it was something along the lines of Expedia or trying new things….anyway, read on. 

As the commerical ends, a lady has something in her fingertips that she is about to eat and the writing is “Chocolate-covered Jalapenos”.  She finally bites into it and waves her fingertips in front of her mouth because the pepper is still spicy.

So I look over at David as the commercial is ending and I say “Hot Chocolate!”.

He starts to laugh and gives me props for coming up with a David-ism so quickly.  He was still thinking along the lines of trying a chocolate covered jalapeno.

So even I have good days where I can be pretty quick and be a Massta for a moment!!!

Since I kind of brought part of this topic up yesterday, I just want to go ahead and fully elaborate on the “joys” (yes, that is sarcasm) of driving nowadays.

So yesterday I mentioned elderly drivers, while it was pointed out to me that I could be ‘considered’ an elderly driver (thanks EM!  ), for todays discussion we will consider me as one of the ‘young’ drivers.

Yes, I will blantantly admit it here.  I HAVE A LEAD FOOT.  In Virginia though, the laws have recently changed and I am trying to be better.  However, I have 2 specific drivers that drive me NUTS on the way home.  I only catch them on the way home for the most part.  Some mornings I do see my ’friend #1′ but she seems to have the “right” idea on the way to work while on the way home she is totally in left field.

Here is the deal, ‘friend #1′ (yes, still sarcastic) on the way home has a driving pattern of staying in the left lane no matter what (yesterday was the 1st day she moved over when I was behind her) until she reaches the last exit on the road that we are travelling.  So out of 10 miles, I am stuck behind her until the last mile.  She goes the speed limit, that isn’t my issue.  My issue is that you see someone behind you, you have room to move over, so MOVE!!!!!  I personally like to go about 5 mph over the speed limit - don’t ask me why, I just know that I do.

My ‘friend #2′ can’t decide what freaking speed he would like to go.  And it doesn’t just range in the 5 mph differential.  It is more like a 25 mph differential.  Now why in the world would I want to be sitting in your backseat 1 second and then lagging behind you 10 seconds later?  Pick a SPEED!  Any speed that is consistent will do for me.  That way I know to either stay behind you and HOPE that you are going to keep ahead of me, or to go around you so that I don’t have to deal with you any longer. 

But of course there is always tomorrow’s drive home.

  Okay, we were going to keep everything for Regan’s party relatively small (yes, the operative word was relatively).  It was small but we ended up doing more food things that we originally were planning, therefore we did more soda’s as well.

David goes to the Handi-Mart nearby and comes home with a 16lb bag of ice because that is the only size they sell.  Which is fine, I don’t mind.  However, this is where the story gets interesting.

There is an elderly establishment within our neighborhood (where David’s mom lives).  Some of the people over there do own cars and do drive.  Some are quicker than others as you can imagine.

Last night, David and I are talking and he tells me that he followed one of mom’s neighbors into the neighborhood from Handi-Mart.  And of course it was the slowest guy that lives over there - he really does go for Sunday drives, but it isn’t always Sunday.

David being his normal self says to me, “I almost came back home with a 16 lb bag of water, on a 65 degree day, with the AC on in the car!”.  He holds his hands out like he is carrying this 16 lb bag of water and it is just sloshing all over the place.  Which of course has me laughing really hard.

We decide to create the water pillow to go along with that wonderful waterbed theme.  But we will only produce one a day to make sure that it is truly melted all the way, plus making sure that we get behind the same guy all the time, which could be challenging.

Do you know anyone that would be interested?

So at 10:00 pm on this night, 3 (very short) years ago, I finally started to go into labor.  Granted this isn’t the thing that everyone will want to read but I will try to mention the highlights.

I had my weekly appt in the morning and the doctor basically told me that NOTHING was happening.  I was going to be one of those woman that would surpass the estimated due date (ugh!).  We ate Mexican food that night for dinner.  I was feeling good.

Got home, got ready for bed, laid down and turned off the light.  It didn’t take long for someone to let me know that they weren’t ready to calm down for the night.  We were told that it was a girl (the lovely ultrasound that you have the choice to find out the sex or not) and we had the name picked out, so Regan was awake.  About a half hour later I got up and went downstairs, laid on the couch, watched some tv.  My husband was in bed asleep and there was no point in waking him.  I tried to sleep when I could, what if this was false labor and I had to go to work?  I would be exhausted the next day, so let’s try and sleep.  If I remember correctly (which that is fading with time, and I don’t have my log in front of me right now) I laid back down around 12:00am.  I was back up around 3-4am and I decided to walk the house.  Please realize that I live in a townhouse, therefore the term ‘walking’ is very exaggerated, it was more like pacing.  But I did it.  Around 6am, David (my husband) woke up and came downstairs and was shocked to find me awake already (I don’t like mornings and I am almost never up before him).  I told him that I was in labor and he kind of freaks out a bit and says “Why didn’t you wake me, I could have helped you time it and everything”.  My reply “Now what good would it do for both of us to have been up all night, tired the next day for NOTHING?”  I think he got my drift.

By 9:00am we decide to hit the hospital like any first time parents, get rejected and told to go back home and rest, NOTHING is progressing (at least not enough to stay at the time).  We finally leave the hospital around 11:00am,  go to Burger King (drive-thru), go home, eat and try to take a nap.

Let me tell you, anything having to do with horizontal is not happening this day, I’m finally to the point that I’m not comfortable, can’t get comfortable and I keep feeling like I have to …….  If you have had a kid, you know what I was about to say.   I was a very good sleeper through the whole pregnancy so this was something very new to me.

Around 3:30pm we drive back to the hospital because my back is just not holding up well.  Good News : We are going to ADMIT you!! Whoo Hoo!!

Decide at this point that I probably won’t do good with harder back labor for much longer, so yes, while the anesthesiologist is on the floor, please invite him to my room.  5:00pm I’m feeling FINE (and I’m not referring to Aerosmith). 

To give you an idea how good my drug was, there was supposedly a birthing class touring the floor that night.  The nurses had to explain that the noises coming out of my room were NOT normal during delivery.  We laughed, played cards, talked and gave candy away to the nurses.  We were having a blast and not feeling any pain!

9:00pm I push my little drug button again. 10:00pm the nurse gets me started on the pushing, the doctor on call that night comes in about 5 minutes later and the hard part starts. 

Let’s just jump to the end where at 11:41pm on September 15, 2004, I held my daughter for the first time when she was laid on my tummy, she was amazingly clean and she was very alert.  She has been ever since. 

Happy Birthday (BIG GIRL!)

XOXO Mommy

Last night was Little Gym, for those that don’t know, this is a place that young kids get  to play on gymnastic apparatus and learn proper ways to land and general safety in a gymnasium.  Regan loves it!  Our usual routine is to have LG and then have dinner at McDonald’s (why not, she has burned energy and calories at LG!).  Sometimes I will get ‘dessert’ (cookies) and sometimes I don’t, but she will always ask.

Last night, I got cookies.  Has anyone else tried McDonald’s cookies?  The chocolate chips are very soft, therefore in little hands, they melt and get ALL over the place.  We clean up the best that we can just to get home then wash up after brushing our teeth (Regan’s that is).

On the way home, David and I are laughing about how Regan was covered in chocolate.

Then it happened, yep you guessed it, a David-ism was uttered.

He says “She’s a Regan-ette!” (Raisinette)  Ugh you may say, but it was funny.  Of course that just started a whole new roll of David-isms on Daddy’s nuts and Mommy’s mounds, but we will just end that here.